tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89897576990708455662024-03-05T04:28:40.038+00:00Diary of a Stumbling Alcoholic“Very often we are our own worst enemy as we foolishly build stumbling blocks on the path that leads to success and happiness” Louis BinstockRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-74917733193927574012018-11-07T01:09:00.001+00:002018-11-07T01:09:11.176+00:00Day 2!So it has been 8 years, 1 month and three days since my last post Day 1. (A pretty long day then!)
Well, a few years a go I gave up alcohol, trained as an ESOL teacher and went off into the world (literally - I moved to China)! I've had a great time!
I have since lived in a few different countries, (China, Spain, stayed in the Philippines for a while), I got married and have even started aRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-6770985632354616122010-10-04T23:44:00.001+01:002010-10-04T23:46:06.645+01:00Ouch, My Head Hurts (Day 1)So once again,
here I go again.
I have no idea how long it has been since I started drinking again - too long by all accounts - but I know how long I haven't: 1 day.
I feel like shit again, I have lost contact with family and friends, neglected all my commitments and finances.
Today I have just tried to keep busy, eat good food, and stay in the company of others. As it is quarter-to-midnight Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-76314812585036549182010-08-15T21:57:00.000+01:002010-08-15T21:57:07.420+01:00All Quiet on the Western FrontJust a quick note really, as I haven't written anything for a while...
Things continue to go well!Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-5247267577894764492010-08-01T17:19:00.001+01:002010-08-01T18:48:37.129+01:00(Don't) Do the Hockey Cockey!Over the last few years I have been in and out of the rooms, once staying dry for a year but for the most part weeks months or perhaps days at time.
On of the things that has always puzzled me about this is the determination with which I stop and yet the ease with which I pick up. There hasn't been much 'white knuckling' or deliberation. While I have wanted to not drink I have found it easy, andRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-56923755983791607112010-08-01T17:06:00.001+01:002010-08-01T17:07:26.743+01:00Day 42... (and still here!)So it has been a while since I last wrote an entry, but for once no news is good news!
I have done Step 3, and have been living it for a couple of weeks, praying and just observing life.
I have had three very manic, and fulfilling, weeks of teaching. As it was my 1st job there was a lot of planning for me to do, so I had to put in a lot more hours than otherwise would have been necessary. I Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-68566661300032304312010-08-01T16:48:00.002+01:002010-08-02T18:25:13.744+01:00Step 3God,
I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-79175209224041271332010-07-17T12:07:00.002+01:002010-07-17T22:06:47.547+01:00ResultsI did Step 2 on Sunday. I got offered a job on Monday. (There is a God!)
The day after the world cup ended, which for me couldn't have been more perfect, I get a job!
So the last week has been satisfying busy*! I am now teaching, and next week I will also be hosting 5 students on behalf of my sister.
The downside, is that I havent been to a meeting for a week, and will struggle for the next Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-52029539684306222092010-07-17T11:59:00.002+01:002010-07-17T12:12:40.137+01:00Faith, Hope & GratitudeSomething occurred to me soon after doing Step 2: it is the faith that is the most important part of step 2; at least to me (at least at the moment!)
If I have faith that there is something somewhere that will help me, guide me, and support me, I have something that can both be there for me when times are hard, but also something for me to pin my gratitude to when things are going well.
In a Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-72426102902011338002010-07-10T11:40:00.002+01:002010-07-12T19:21:39.898+01:00Step 2Ok, I have finished reading We Agnostics, which was my suggested reading for Step 2, and I had a lot of identification.
I have just re-read what I wrote under 'We Agnostics', and I was amazed at how much there was in common. From my intellectually mocking of organised religion and blind faith, to my faith in reason and what can be empirically deduced. Also, having been open-minded, or had Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-27419199236984161492010-07-08T11:58:00.002+01:002010-07-08T21:54:28.638+01:00We AgnosticsOk, I am doing Step 2, and I have a query: What about We Fully-Paid-Up-Richard-Dawkins-Brand-of-Atheists?!
How have other people, atheists, got beyond this point? (I think this is where we Brits differ from our American cousins: church attendance in this country is a minority rather than a majority.)
As a child I was very spiritual. My mother was into Buddhism when I was very young, and this isRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-82029830813149293592010-07-05T23:27:00.003+01:002010-07-07T23:27:02.559+01:00Pearls of Wisdom #2"The odds are good, but the goods are odd"
Relationships with others in recovery. Yes, there will be plenty of opportunities to get together with someone else from the rooms, but that ain't a good idea.
I know I personally have co-dependency issues, and prior to coming into recovery I had never been out of a relationship. I had jumped from one failing relationship to the next 'ad infinitum'.
Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-88438621643350141392010-07-05T23:15:00.002+01:002010-07-05T23:24:57.397+01:00Pearls of Wisdom #1One day at a time.I thought I would add little nuggets of wisdom as and when I hear them. Every meeting I have ever gone to I have always come away having heard something that I am grateful to have heard. So I take no credit for these, they are merely things I heard that make sense to me!When I look into the future, things can seem very daunting, the further I look ahead the more uncertainty Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-88250260949574862582010-07-05T22:04:00.005+01:002010-07-05T22:19:45.572+01:00Little Fluffy CloudsThings are going really well at the moment. I am not sure if this is what people refer to as a 'pink cloud', but I am certainly at a point where I still remember how grim it was, yet feel pretty good, mentally and physically. (This has in the past been superseded with feeling pretty good, but forgetting how bad it was....)So, I havent written anything for a couple of days, and have been itching Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-45436678433672595872010-07-01T17:12:00.003+01:002010-07-01T21:43:33.996+01:00PrideWhat is pride? Or more importantly for me, what is pride to someone in recovery?'Pride' is something I have always thought of as a good thing: taking pride in something I've done, and so on. Yet pride, in this stage of my life, is now deemed a negative thing, and I can see why.It is pride that stops me asking for help, it is pride that stops me admitting when I am struggling, and it is pride thatRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-34077921769157566762010-06-30T14:32:00.004+01:002010-06-30T22:17:20.823+01:00Step 1For step one, I will read The Doctor's Opinion, and I have been asked to list 20 incidents, results of drinking, that show how unmanageable it got. (Is that the same for everyone, do different sponsors/sponsees do things differently? Who knows, here goes...)Alcohol = the months at a time of isolation, hopelessness, and depression - not speaking to anyone, holed away in my room.Alcohol = poor Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-16781306936277996862010-06-29T15:52:00.004+01:002010-06-30T14:32:15.328+01:00Honesty & GratitudeSomewhat unrelated, so bear with me!First of, I have a bit of a dilemma. When I returned to 'the rooms' 8 days ago, one of things I really struggled with was coming to terms with the fact I had relapsed, again, and see the people I had met from before.When I bumped into my sponsor, with whom I had previously met up with just the once (he outlined the requirements for step one, and then I relapsedRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-32293059057363160262010-06-28T23:04:00.003+01:002010-06-28T23:21:37.737+01:00Wow 2 Posts in 1 Day, what the...Just got back from a meeting, a very cosy meeting in Kemp Town, which I hadn't been to before.I thought I would add something as i am feeling very positive at the moment, in a way that has been missing for a number of months. In short, I am back on track: if only at the very beginning once again.One thing I have done (hence why I had no excuse to not go this evening) is add all the local meetingsRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-84819815554348795692010-06-28T12:54:00.005+01:002010-06-28T13:47:48.708+01:00An updateToday has been pretty bizarre so far. But before I get to that...The last few days have been good. I have returned from London and had a few very pleasant and (from the point of view of not drinking) easy days.I was at a meeting the other day (last Wednesday) and just before, while smoking outside, a lady explained how she'd had a drink, and hated it, and was coming to her 1st meeting since to Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-81304873665332716332010-06-25T12:49:00.002+01:002010-06-28T13:49:20.349+01:00No News Is Good News(I am a bundle of contradictions!) Really should have added this a few days ago, but went to a meeting on wednesday, saw my sponsor there, which is good - can start the steps again, and yesterday I came to london to see a friend. Today I have woken up happy, positive, and most importantly sober.Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-71135222300641515952010-06-22T23:38:00.003+01:002010-06-28T13:50:15.110+01:00No News Is Bad NewsWell I have't written anything for a while which is isn't a good thing - I haven't been to any meetings and yesterday cracked and had a drink (at a bbq offered a glass of champagne...) Well not exactly one drink...Champagne was the hardest thing for me to get my head round giving up - it has so many associations (luxury, celebration, success...) that I always worried how I would dealRecoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-45681847608419599422010-06-18T22:19:00.002+01:002010-06-28T13:51:25.600+01:00Good Day/Bad Day II: The ReturnOk so pretty much the same again, very pleasant — saw my parents, played golf, even watch a dreadful football and still resisted the urge to drink! But not very constructive. So the 3rd day of 90in90, and still only 1 meeting. Guess I shall be doing 2 a day for a while then.Been feeling very irritable this evening. It was ok earlier, but my housemates are really pissing me off at the moment — I Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-83785886766722941842010-06-18T01:49:00.001+01:002010-06-28T13:55:18.716+01:00Good Day/Bad DayOk, on one front good day: for a start pleasant. Spent much of it outdoors, had a BBQ with friends (for all my faults, there is one thing I do well - cook).Also, finally got round to sorting out finances, or at least one half of the problem.And, I didn't have a drink.Equally, another front not good day: didn't do meeting 2 on day 2 (of 90 meetings in 90 days).So I am now going to have to Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-73384559282857136492010-06-16T21:47:00.003+01:002010-06-28T13:53:40.934+01:00Day 3Wow - success, I made it to AA. A very nice local meeting in the Allen Centre, if you live locally, and ever consider going to a meeting — this one is highly recommended.So I nearly didn't go. Managed to do the 'better just do this 1st' thing, and then was late, then drove around the block a bit — thinking of excuses why I should just go home instead. Nevertheless, I made it through the door.Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-28829921416496964312010-06-16T00:04:00.005+01:002010-06-28T13:52:48.433+01:00AASo, its Day 2 (although by the time I am now writing this is it 7 minutes into day 3, but what the hell - I won't tell anyone if you won't). Felt shitty when I woke up this morning. I dropped off around 10 am, and woke up 5 hours later.I was supposed to go to an AA meeting today. My first this time round. I find it's really important to get to a meeting. I feel I should, if only to cement the Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8989757699070845566.post-44465172710732396482010-06-14T14:32:00.000+01:002010-06-14T15:37:05.427+01:00Oh yeah...So having done my (in my head at least) ever so clever sounding intro, I thought I should actually explain how I feel.Like shit.In a nutshell that pretty much sums it up.Ok, so firstly - I had my fill of beer last night: so my head hurts. My body wants it fill of beer now: so it hurts.Not only that (and perhaps more importantly) all the niggling doubts and fears, worries and responsibilities Recoveringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939087109899524864noreply@blogger.com0