Day 2!

So it has been 8 years, 1 month and three days since my last post Day 1. (A pretty long day then!)

Well, a few years a go I gave up alcohol, trained as an ESOL teacher and went off into the world (literally - I moved to China)! I've had a great time!

I have since lived in a few different countries, (China, Spain, stayed in the Philippines for a while), I got married and have even started a family! I still teach, although I have returned to the UK, to put down roots.

All good then? Well no, even if a lot is!

I started to drink a while back - and for many years it wasn't actually a problem! (Not that it wasn't a problem - it just didn't really affect what I was doing.) I was enjoying a fairly cushy job, being well looked after. I was doing mostly after school/evening classes - so late starts in countries where it is cheap to live, eat, and of course cheap to drink!

But there have been ups and downs, times I have had to stop or cut back. It, as always, slowly builds up, gets shoved back in check and then starts over again. I often wonder if when people think 'alcoholic' it seems so at odds with that - that its just such an unquestionable horrible, uncontrolled mess that no one would be able to function or survive its midst. Well that's the type where you stop or die - either long term salvation or death.

I am 'blessed' with a form of alcoholism that means I don't drink 24/7. I drink in the evenings. I dont drink everyday. Like most people - get home have dinner, and relax with a glass of something... the problem has always been 1) I would do that every day if I could 2) when I do I don't stop after I've started, not until I am a bumbling stumbling alcoholic.

That's not to say it is less of a problem - or that I am not as bad an alcoholic as another - I am writing this, in fact it all started when I first started stopping drinking, because I acknowledged I am an alcoholic. In fact, maybe I am worse? If I drink for a hundred days in a row, I will - frankly - feel like shit. I'll have put a strain on my body, wallet, family, friends, sanity and faculties. I might swear off drinking and truly mean it.

But 10, 20, 50 days, maybe even 1 year later there might be a celebration, an argument, or just a bit of boredom that will leave me wondering "How about just one evening. So I'll get pissed, but that's it - not tomorrow". And at that moment in time, I'm right. I'll probably just have 1 evening. Maybe not even get that pissed. I might not again for a few days or a week. And even then maybe just the Friday and Saturday even - so far so normal right? Pretty soon...

I'm back!

Ouch, My Head Hurts (Day 1)

So once again,
here I go again.

I have no idea how long it has been since I started drinking again - too long by all accounts - but I know how long I haven't: 1 day.

I feel like shit again, I have lost contact with family and friends, neglected all my commitments and finances.

Today I have just tried to keep busy, eat good food, and stay in the company of others. As it is quarter-to-midnight it appears to have worked. Tomorrow means finding a meeting and admitting to what happened. God I hate doing this. Again.

All Quiet on the Western Front

Just a quick note really, as I haven't written anything for a while...

Things continue to go well!

(Don't) Do the Hockey Cockey!

Over the last few years I have been in and out of the rooms, once staying dry for a year but for the most part weeks months or perhaps days at time.

On of the things that has always puzzled me about this is the determination with which I stop and yet the ease with which I pick up. There hasn't been much 'white knuckling' or deliberation. While I have wanted to not drink I have found it easy, and when I have decided to drink it has been a whim, I just think why not and do. Normally it has been around 11 or 12 at night, and I think 'hell, why not?'

Two days ago, Friday night, I had such an urge - and the normal thought process began - why not, on the way home, pick up a few beers, it doesn't matter, and so on...

But I didn't. For the first time in recovery I didn't. I mulled it over, thought of the consequences, of what I have been building and decided not to.

This may not seem much, but for me it was a really profound moment. For the first time it wasn't just not wanting to drink, it was deciding not to even though I wanted to.

Day 42... (and still here!)

So it has been a while since I last wrote an entry, but for once no news is good news!

I have done Step 3, and have been living it for a couple of weeks, praying and just observing life.

I have had three very manic, and fulfilling, weeks of teaching. As it was my 1st job there was a lot of planning for me to do, so I had to put in a lot more hours than otherwise would have been necessary. I also housesat for my sister (a house, 3 cats and 5 foreign students!), so I really was keeping busy.

It is not very long ago, 43 days to be precise, that I wouldn't have been able to do this, or moreover couldn't be relied on to.

It is wonderfully to be able to be a constructive, helpful, giving member of my both family and my community. For all changes I had to make and battles I need to win, I also had to add to my self-esteem and sel-confidence; working, having people look up to me, being responsible for others has been a revelation.

Not only have I enjoyed what I have been doing I have thrived at it.