AA and I

I was reading a criticism of AA, and found it very thought-provoking: how can these amateurs, theses self-confessed broken people help each other, or help me? Why is it an authority, why do I have to follow it steps, or as some might say dogma?

When I first found AA it was following a stint in a non 12 step rehab, and it seemed very at odds with what I had been taught. Where as I had the idea of taking responsibility for my actions, choice and their consequences, AA seemed to be saying pass your will over to a higher power.

Equally, I was profoundly atheist; the idea of a higher power, or 'god as you understand him', was unfathomable to me. (This, at the time of writing, still afflicts me: albeit moved to agnostic!)

It took a serious relapse, and a good dose of humility, for me to reexamine my attitudes to AA. A friends who had attended the same rehab pointed out that I had already done Step 1: admitted I couldn't drink and sought help; and in a way Step 2: I had sought help from rehab, rather than being able to overcome my addiction alone - Alpha House was my higher power. This allowed me to reassess all my attitudes, and over the coming months became more and more open to the idea of AA and its program.

Nothing is perfect, and within any group of people you will find flaws - people you don't like, people you disagree with - so I do not profess to find AA, or its members perfect. But I do believe that the problems I had with AA, and its members, were my problems, not the fellowships.

But what I do know, is I have been trying to crack this recovery nut without any joy. Each time I got up and running, I ran into a brick wall, so I need to find something to help me hurdle life's problems. I have tons of knowledge, I spent over a year in rehab, looking at behaviors, relapse cycles, my issues, my feelings, helping others, talking in groups... but even armed with all this knowledge I had been missing something, something I have found it now: the help of the fellowship and its members.