Step 3

God,

I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.

Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.

Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.

May I do Thy will always!

Step 2

Ok, I have finished reading We Agnostics, which was my suggested reading for Step 2, and I had a lot of identification.

I have just re-read what I wrote under 'We Agnostics', and I was amazed at how much there was in common. From my intellectually mocking of organised religion and blind faith, to my faith in reason and what can be empirically deduced. Also, having been open-minded, or had exposure to spiritual/ religious experiences earlier on in life, but having rejected them in later life.

So far, my recovery has been rooted in knowledge and understanding of addiction. I know about relapse cycles, old behaviours, I have had a chance to analyse my feeling and my past. Yet this, so far, hasn't got me very far. I need something extra to help guide me, give me the strength, and instill a sense of purpose. I have come to strongly believe that I will find this through a higher power. It is not something I can switch on, but it is something I can open my heart and mind to.

And I have. So last night, I got on my knees and prayed: as it says in the book "Some of us grow into it more slowly. But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him."

An update

Today has been pretty bizarre so far. But before I get to that...

The last few days have been good. I have returned from London and had a few very pleasant and (from the point of view of not drinking) easy days.

I was at a meeting the other day (last Wednesday) and just before, while smoking outside, a lady explained how she'd had a drink, and hated it, and was coming to her 1st meeting since to get back on track. Something occurred to me then, and it might sound obvious but it was a real epiphany. I have been struggling with the fact that I have relapsed, over the last few months, so often: stopping and starting every few days. Each time with a new resolve, yet equally tempted back so easily.

(To try and put this in perspective: I hate drinking, or at least where it leads me, and when I try to stop I desperately want to so much. Yet I repeatedly, despite this, pick up a drink at the drop of a hat - with no internal struggle.)

Frankly, I still want to drink. I like a lot about it. Lets face it drinking is popular for a reason. It does things to people which people like. It gave me confidence, helped me let my hair down, it made me feel good, relaxed and (to a degree) to forget about my worries.

When I have been drinking, a relapse, I get to the point when I desperately want to stop, so when I do it is relatively easy: the cost clearly out weigh the benefits. Yet give it a few weeks, then there will come a point where I am back to wanting the relaxation, the confidence, the toning down of feelings.

I realised that, basically, rather than hoping that some sort of permanent state of not wanting to drink will somehow kick-in, I just have to accept that there will be desire to drink. I just have to live with it.

Oh, and I nearly forgot: why today has been bizarre. This morning I spoke to a friend. She is a devout, and somewhat evangelical christian, who I prayed with. In AA people talk a lot about passing one's will over to a 'higher power', and also the benefits of prayer (there is a humility in this, in asking for help). Well anyway, we prayed.

And somehow it was a really special moment. In so many ways. It was a difficult thing to bring myself to do, but I put my pride aside and with humility got on my knees.

And I can thank my higher power that there was someone will to do that for me.