So once again,
here I go again.
I have no idea how long it has been since I started drinking again - too long by all accounts - but I know how long I haven't: 1 day.
I feel like shit again, I have lost contact with family and friends, neglected all my commitments and finances.
Today I have just tried to keep busy, eat good food, and stay in the company of others. As it is quarter-to-midnight it appears to have worked. Tomorrow means finding a meeting and admitting to what happened. God I hate doing this. Again.
Showing posts with label Relapse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relapse. Show all posts
Monday, 4 October 2010
Sunday, 1 August 2010
(Don't) Do the Hockey Cockey!
Over the last few years I have been in and out of the rooms, once staying dry for a year but for the most part weeks months or perhaps days at time.
On of the things that has always puzzled me about this is the determination with which I stop and yet the ease with which I pick up. There hasn't been much 'white knuckling' or deliberation. While I have wanted to not drink I have found it easy, and when I have decided to drink it has been a whim, I just think why not and do. Normally it has been around 11 or 12 at night, and I think 'hell, why not?'
Two days ago, Friday night, I had such an urge - and the normal thought process began - why not, on the way home, pick up a few beers, it doesn't matter, and so on...
But I didn't. For the first time in recovery I didn't. I mulled it over, thought of the consequences, of what I have been building and decided not to.
This may not seem much, but for me it was a really profound moment. For the first time it wasn't just not wanting to drink, it was deciding not to even though I wanted to.
On of the things that has always puzzled me about this is the determination with which I stop and yet the ease with which I pick up. There hasn't been much 'white knuckling' or deliberation. While I have wanted to not drink I have found it easy, and when I have decided to drink it has been a whim, I just think why not and do. Normally it has been around 11 or 12 at night, and I think 'hell, why not?'
Two days ago, Friday night, I had such an urge - and the normal thought process began - why not, on the way home, pick up a few beers, it doesn't matter, and so on...
But I didn't. For the first time in recovery I didn't. I mulled it over, thought of the consequences, of what I have been building and decided not to.
This may not seem much, but for me it was a really profound moment. For the first time it wasn't just not wanting to drink, it was deciding not to even though I wanted to.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
No News Is Bad News
Well I have't written anything for a while which is isn't a good thing - I haven't been to any meetings and yesterday cracked and had a drink (at a bbq offered a glass of champagne...)
Well not exactly one drink...
Champagne was the hardest thing for me to get my head round giving up - it has so many associations (luxury, celebration, success...) that I always worried how I would deal with a situation where it was about (e.g. a wedding). Well I guess I know now.
That said, its not as if the choice of drink was to blame, more my state mind.
So once here I go again: Day 1...
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