Over the last few years I have been in and out of the rooms, once staying dry for a year but for the most part weeks months or perhaps days at time.
On of the things that has always puzzled me about this is the determination with which I stop and yet the ease with which I pick up. There hasn't been much 'white knuckling' or deliberation. While I have wanted to not drink I have found it easy, and when I have decided to drink it has been a whim, I just think why not and do. Normally it has been around 11 or 12 at night, and I think 'hell, why not?'
Two days ago, Friday night, I had such an urge - and the normal thought process began - why not, on the way home, pick up a few beers, it doesn't matter, and so on...
But I didn't. For the first time in recovery I didn't. I mulled it over, thought of the consequences, of what I have been building and decided not to.
This may not seem much, but for me it was a really profound moment. For the first time it wasn't just not wanting to drink, it was deciding not to even though I wanted to.
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Day 42... (and still here!)
So it has been a while since I last wrote an entry, but for once no news is good news!
I have done Step 3, and have been living it for a couple of weeks, praying and just observing life.
I have had three very manic, and fulfilling, weeks of teaching. As it was my 1st job there was a lot of planning for me to do, so I had to put in a lot more hours than otherwise would have been necessary. I also housesat for my sister (a house, 3 cats and 5 foreign students!), so I really was keeping busy.
It is not very long ago, 43 days to be precise, that I wouldn't have been able to do this, or moreover couldn't be relied on to.
It is wonderfully to be able to be a constructive, helpful, giving member of my both family and my community. For all changes I had to make and battles I need to win, I also had to add to my self-esteem and sel-confidence; working, having people look up to me, being responsible for others has been a revelation.
Not only have I enjoyed what I have been doing I have thrived at it.
I have done Step 3, and have been living it for a couple of weeks, praying and just observing life.
I have had three very manic, and fulfilling, weeks of teaching. As it was my 1st job there was a lot of planning for me to do, so I had to put in a lot more hours than otherwise would have been necessary. I also housesat for my sister (a house, 3 cats and 5 foreign students!), so I really was keeping busy.
It is not very long ago, 43 days to be precise, that I wouldn't have been able to do this, or moreover couldn't be relied on to.
It is wonderfully to be able to be a constructive, helpful, giving member of my both family and my community. For all changes I had to make and battles I need to win, I also had to add to my self-esteem and sel-confidence; working, having people look up to me, being responsible for others has been a revelation.
Not only have I enjoyed what I have been doing I have thrived at it.
Step 3
God,
I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)