I did Step 2 on Sunday. I got offered a job on Monday. (There is a God!)
The day after the world cup ended, which for me couldn't have been more perfect, I get a job!
So the last week has been satisfying busy*! I am now teaching, and next week I will also be hosting 5 students on behalf of my sister.
The downside, is that I havent been to a meeting for a week, and will struggle for the next week too. That said, I will be meeting my sponsor tomorrow, and we will be tackling Step 3.
So happy - if rather busy - days. I know I need to remain grounded, but I am so pleased that for once things are coming together. I can look back over the last couple of weeks, of the progress, and be truly thankfully for what this program and its members have given me.
*In fact rather manic - my first teaching job, there have been hours and hours of lesson planning, and a fair bit of nerves!
Showing posts with label Higher power. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Higher power. Show all posts
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Faith, Hope & Gratitude
Something occurred to me soon after doing Step 2: it is the faith that is the most important part of step 2; at least to me (at least at the moment!)
If I have faith that there is something somewhere that will help me, guide me, and support me, I have something that can both be there for me when times are hard, but also something for me to pin my gratitude to when things are going well.
In a way, it does not matter if there is anything there - moreover that I remember to be grateful when things go well, and that things will get better when they are difficult.
If I have faith that there is something somewhere that will help me, guide me, and support me, I have something that can both be there for me when times are hard, but also something for me to pin my gratitude to when things are going well.
In a way, it does not matter if there is anything there - moreover that I remember to be grateful when things go well, and that things will get better when they are difficult.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Step 2
Ok, I have finished reading We Agnostics, which was my suggested reading for Step 2, and I had a lot of identification.
I have just re-read what I wrote under 'We Agnostics', and I was amazed at how much there was in common. From my intellectually mocking of organised religion and blind faith, to my faith in reason and what can be empirically deduced. Also, having been open-minded, or had exposure to spiritual/ religious experiences earlier on in life, but having rejected them in later life.
So far, my recovery has been rooted in knowledge and understanding of addiction. I know about relapse cycles, old behaviours, I have had a chance to analyse my feeling and my past. Yet this, so far, hasn't got me very far. I need something extra to help guide me, give me the strength, and instill a sense of purpose. I have come to strongly believe that I will find this through a higher power. It is not something I can switch on, but it is something I can open my heart and mind to.
And I have. So last night, I got on my knees and prayed: as it says in the book "Some of us grow into it more slowly. But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him."
I have just re-read what I wrote under 'We Agnostics', and I was amazed at how much there was in common. From my intellectually mocking of organised religion and blind faith, to my faith in reason and what can be empirically deduced. Also, having been open-minded, or had exposure to spiritual/ religious experiences earlier on in life, but having rejected them in later life.
So far, my recovery has been rooted in knowledge and understanding of addiction. I know about relapse cycles, old behaviours, I have had a chance to analyse my feeling and my past. Yet this, so far, hasn't got me very far. I need something extra to help guide me, give me the strength, and instill a sense of purpose. I have come to strongly believe that I will find this through a higher power. It is not something I can switch on, but it is something I can open my heart and mind to.
And I have. So last night, I got on my knees and prayed: as it says in the book "Some of us grow into it more slowly. But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him."
Thursday, 8 July 2010
We Agnostics
Ok, I am doing Step 2, and I have a query: What about We Fully-Paid-Up-Richard-Dawkins-Brand-of-Atheists?!
How have other people, atheists, got beyond this point? (I think this is where we Brits differ from our American cousins: church attendance in this country is a minority rather than a majority.)
As a child I was very spiritual. My mother was into Buddhism when I was very young, and this is something that has stayed with me, but this is more of a philosophy, a way of life, than religion (i.e. the idea of a god in Buddhism is somewhat irrelevant*). Later in life I grew interested in Hinduism, but in my early 20s I rejected it - along with any other god based rhetoric - and have ever since rejected any notion of god.
So how do I get past this point? As the book says "we found ourselves thinking, when enchanted by a starlit night, "who then made all this?" There was a feeling of awe and wonder, but it was fleeting and soon lost". Well no, not really - I just thinking big-bang, hydrogen, light waves… ('wow, bet he's romantic'!!!)
So how do I get in touch with that lost sense of spirituality I had up till my teens? Haven't got an answer for that, but one thing is for sure - I am willing to try. And as someone once said**, he was asked "what you would like God to be?" He wrote down a lists of things, was then told "you can begin with that!".
So that is what I will be doing - write a list of what this higher power will be to me. My list, my god. I just hope I can rekindle that wonderment of yesteryear…
I would love to hear from anyone who has struggled with the idea of a god, or a higher power, and how you came to move beyond it.
*At least that is my reading of it, I do not profess to be an expert (and indeed I refer to Theravada Buddhism, other strands do have more 'mystic' elements, e.g. the more well-known Tibetan Buddhism)
** Charlie and Joe do an excellent read through and interpretation of the Big Book, it can be found HERE.
How have other people, atheists, got beyond this point? (I think this is where we Brits differ from our American cousins: church attendance in this country is a minority rather than a majority.)
As a child I was very spiritual. My mother was into Buddhism when I was very young, and this is something that has stayed with me, but this is more of a philosophy, a way of life, than religion (i.e. the idea of a god in Buddhism is somewhat irrelevant*). Later in life I grew interested in Hinduism, but in my early 20s I rejected it - along with any other god based rhetoric - and have ever since rejected any notion of god.
So how do I get past this point? As the book says "we found ourselves thinking, when enchanted by a starlit night, "who then made all this?" There was a feeling of awe and wonder, but it was fleeting and soon lost". Well no, not really - I just thinking big-bang, hydrogen, light waves… ('wow, bet he's romantic'!!!)
So how do I get in touch with that lost sense of spirituality I had up till my teens? Haven't got an answer for that, but one thing is for sure - I am willing to try. And as someone once said**, he was asked "what you would like God to be?" He wrote down a lists of things, was then told "you can begin with that!".
So that is what I will be doing - write a list of what this higher power will be to me. My list, my god. I just hope I can rekindle that wonderment of yesteryear…
I would love to hear from anyone who has struggled with the idea of a god, or a higher power, and how you came to move beyond it.
*At least that is my reading of it, I do not profess to be an expert (and indeed I refer to Theravada Buddhism, other strands do have more 'mystic' elements, e.g. the more well-known Tibetan Buddhism)
** Charlie and Joe do an excellent read through and interpretation of the Big Book, it can be found HERE.
Monday, 28 June 2010
Wow 2 Posts in 1 Day, what the...
Just got back from a meeting, a very cosy meeting in Kemp Town, which I hadn't been to before.
I thought I would add something as i am feeling very positive at the moment, in a way that has been missing for a number of months. In short, I am back on track: if only at the very beginning once again.
One thing I have done (hence why I had no excuse to not go this evening) is add all the local meetings to my diary. They are included in the bottom of this page, so if you do find yourself in need - there you go!
The meeting itself was a 'step meeting', this one on step 6. The steps, twelve of them, go as follows:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The only ones I can get my head around at the moment are:
1. I know I cannot drink, I can not do it socially, intermittently or anything like casually.
2. I have turned to others for help - I cannot do this on my own.
4. I have faults, and need to work on them.
8. Bit of a toughy - but I can see the point, to draw a line under the past, and let go (and in turn not make the same mistakes again!)
9. Say sorry (and again, do not make the same mistakes again!)
10. Don't make the same mistakes again!
You may notice that basically any with something along the lines of 'god' in them I am struggling with. I need not worry about that now though, that much I know. I had started 1 before my relapse - but that is as far as I got. (Which reminds me, I still haven't got on to my sponsor about restarting where we left off.)
"They are in that order for a reason" I have been told, so hopefully, by the race of 'whatever' it will all work out in the end.
I thought I would add something as i am feeling very positive at the moment, in a way that has been missing for a number of months. In short, I am back on track: if only at the very beginning once again.
One thing I have done (hence why I had no excuse to not go this evening) is add all the local meetings to my diary. They are included in the bottom of this page, so if you do find yourself in need - there you go!
The meeting itself was a 'step meeting', this one on step 6. The steps, twelve of them, go as follows:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The only ones I can get my head around at the moment are:
1. I know I cannot drink, I can not do it socially, intermittently or anything like casually.
2. I have turned to others for help - I cannot do this on my own.
4. I have faults, and need to work on them.
8. Bit of a toughy - but I can see the point, to draw a line under the past, and let go (and in turn not make the same mistakes again!)
9. Say sorry (and again, do not make the same mistakes again!)
10. Don't make the same mistakes again!
You may notice that basically any with something along the lines of 'god' in them I am struggling with. I need not worry about that now though, that much I know. I had started 1 before my relapse - but that is as far as I got. (Which reminds me, I still haven't got on to my sponsor about restarting where we left off.)
"They are in that order for a reason" I have been told, so hopefully, by the race of 'whatever' it will all work out in the end.
An update
Today has been pretty bizarre so far. But before I get to that...
The last few days have been good. I have returned from London and had a few very pleasant and (from the point of view of not drinking) easy days.
I was at a meeting the other day (last Wednesday) and just before, while smoking outside, a lady explained how she'd had a drink, and hated it, and was coming to her 1st meeting since to get back on track. Something occurred to me then, and it might sound obvious but it was a real epiphany. I have been struggling with the fact that I have relapsed, over the last few months, so often: stopping and starting every few days. Each time with a new resolve, yet equally tempted back so easily.
(To try and put this in perspective: I hate drinking, or at least where it leads me, and when I try to stop I desperately want to so much. Yet I repeatedly, despite this, pick up a drink at the drop of a hat - with no internal struggle.)
Frankly, I still want to drink. I like a lot about it. Lets face it drinking is popular for a reason. It does things to people which people like. It gave me confidence, helped me let my hair down, it made me feel good, relaxed and (to a degree) to forget about my worries.
When I have been drinking, a relapse, I get to the point when I desperately want to stop, so when I do it is relatively easy: the cost clearly out weigh the benefits. Yet give it a few weeks, then there will come a point where I am back to wanting the relaxation, the confidence, the toning down of feelings.
I realised that, basically, rather than hoping that some sort of permanent state of not wanting to drink will somehow kick-in, I just have to accept that there will be desire to drink. I just have to live with it.
Oh, and I nearly forgot: why today has been bizarre. This morning I spoke to a friend. She is a devout, and somewhat evangelical christian, who I prayed with. In AA people talk a lot about passing one's will over to a 'higher power', and also the benefits of prayer (there is a humility in this, in asking for help). Well anyway, we prayed.
And somehow it was a really special moment. In so many ways. It was a difficult thing to bring myself to do, but I put my pride aside and with humility got on my knees.
And I can thank my higher power that there was someone will to do that for me.
The last few days have been good. I have returned from London and had a few very pleasant and (from the point of view of not drinking) easy days.
I was at a meeting the other day (last Wednesday) and just before, while smoking outside, a lady explained how she'd had a drink, and hated it, and was coming to her 1st meeting since to get back on track. Something occurred to me then, and it might sound obvious but it was a real epiphany. I have been struggling with the fact that I have relapsed, over the last few months, so often: stopping and starting every few days. Each time with a new resolve, yet equally tempted back so easily.
(To try and put this in perspective: I hate drinking, or at least where it leads me, and when I try to stop I desperately want to so much. Yet I repeatedly, despite this, pick up a drink at the drop of a hat - with no internal struggle.)
Frankly, I still want to drink. I like a lot about it. Lets face it drinking is popular for a reason. It does things to people which people like. It gave me confidence, helped me let my hair down, it made me feel good, relaxed and (to a degree) to forget about my worries.
When I have been drinking, a relapse, I get to the point when I desperately want to stop, so when I do it is relatively easy: the cost clearly out weigh the benefits. Yet give it a few weeks, then there will come a point where I am back to wanting the relaxation, the confidence, the toning down of feelings.
I realised that, basically, rather than hoping that some sort of permanent state of not wanting to drink will somehow kick-in, I just have to accept that there will be desire to drink. I just have to live with it.
Oh, and I nearly forgot: why today has been bizarre. This morning I spoke to a friend. She is a devout, and somewhat evangelical christian, who I prayed with. In AA people talk a lot about passing one's will over to a 'higher power', and also the benefits of prayer (there is a humility in this, in asking for help). Well anyway, we prayed.
And somehow it was a really special moment. In so many ways. It was a difficult thing to bring myself to do, but I put my pride aside and with humility got on my knees.
And I can thank my higher power that there was someone will to do that for me.
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