Ouch, My Head Hurts (Day 1)

So once again,
here I go again.

I have no idea how long it has been since I started drinking again - too long by all accounts - but I know how long I haven't: 1 day.

I feel like shit again, I have lost contact with family and friends, neglected all my commitments and finances.

Today I have just tried to keep busy, eat good food, and stay in the company of others. As it is quarter-to-midnight it appears to have worked. Tomorrow means finding a meeting and admitting to what happened. God I hate doing this. Again.

No News Is Bad News

Well I have't written anything for a while which is isn't a good thing - I haven't been to any meetings and yesterday cracked and had a drink (at a bbq offered a glass of champagne...)

Well not exactly one drink...

Champagne was the hardest thing for me to get my head round giving up - it has so many associations (luxury, celebration, success...) that I always worried how I would deal with a situation where it was about (e.g. a wedding). Well I guess I know now.

That said, its not as if the choice of drink was to blame, more my state mind.

So once here I go again: Day 1...

Oh yeah...

So having done my (in my head at least) ever so clever sounding intro, I thought I should actually explain how I feel.

Like shit.

In a nutshell that pretty much sums it up.

Ok, so firstly - I had my fill of beer last night: so my head hurts. My body wants it fill of beer now: so it hurts.

Not only that (and perhaps more importantly) all the niggling doubts and fears, worries and responsibilities which I have so far ignored are looming in the back of my head - all voices which I would much rather drown out with vast amount of ethanol.

A responsibility left untended becomes a problem.

Ok, so my personal finances - my unfettered pursuit of drink tends to lend itself to the poor maintenance of my personal finances. Which in other words means the cheques are about to bounce. I received a letter from the council about unpaid fines, a letter from my bank about unpaid bills, and a letter from a debt agency about unpaid fees. Not good.

Friendships (and indeed relationships) have been equally poorly maintained. Wow, that's an epic understatement. You probably know more for what I have written so far than my friends do of where and how I have been recently.

And lastly, this is the 1st time I have been here. Picking myself up and starting again, and therefore not the 1st time I have said "I'm not going back 'there' again". So it feels pretty shit, whether its to an old friend a room of strangers, having to go in and say "this went wrong, this is what I am going to do this time" and "it will work", (especially when I am struggling to believe it myself).

It kinda sucks having to hold my hands up and say - I fucked up, again. (But it won't happen again!)