Little Fluffy Clouds

Things are going really well at the moment. I am not sure if this is what people refer to as a 'pink cloud', but I am certainly at a point where I still remember how grim it was, yet feel pretty good, mentally and physically. (This has in the past been superseded with feeling pretty good, but forgetting how bad it was....)

So, I havent written anything for a couple of days, and have been itching to (I say too busy, some might say a small matter of priorities!)

So, I met up with my sponsor on the weekend, and did my step 1. In a nutshell, it occurred to in much the same way as a beautiful lake would become pretty grim if left to stagnate, and in much the same it will drastically improve with a bit of TLC; if I drink I stagnate - in pretty much every sense of the word.

Also, after I went to a meeting, and as my sponsor seems to know every one (or as someone said, everyone worth knowing) I got to meet some more people. After 4 of us went for a coffee (joys of recovery) from which I only got back at 10.30. It might have only been something simple and casual, but how much I enjoyed the evening. Spiritually I progressed, I put work into myself, socially I got out and about, and I enjoyed a pleasant evening with friends without drinking (nor indeed thinking about drinking.

The meeting, saturday's, was one I had been going to regularly, was one I had been doing service at and I have slotted back into greeting there - so I have now got pretty much all of it in place: sponsor, plenty of meetings, service and steps...

Can't fail, surely!?

Wow 2 Posts in 1 Day, what the...

Just got back from a meeting, a very cosy meeting in Kemp Town, which I hadn't been to before.

I thought I would add something as i am feeling very positive at the moment, in a way that has been missing for a number of months. In short, I am back on track: if only at the very beginning once again.

One thing I have done (hence why I had no excuse to not go this evening) is add all the local meetings to my diary. They are included in the bottom of this page, so if you do find yourself in need - there you go!

The meeting itself was a 'step meeting', this one on step 6. The steps, twelve of them, go as follows:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The only ones I can get my head around at the moment are:

1. I know I cannot drink, I can not do it socially, intermittently or anything like casually.
2. I have turned to others for help - I cannot do this on my own.

4. I have faults, and need to work on them.

8. Bit of a toughy - but I can see the point, to draw a line under the past, and let go (and in turn not make the same mistakes again!)
9. Say sorry (and again, do not make the same mistakes again!)
10. Don't make the same mistakes again!

You may notice that basically any with something along the lines of 'god' in them I am struggling with. I need not worry about that now though, that much I know. I had started 1 before my relapse - but that is as far as I got. (Which reminds me, I still haven't got on to my sponsor about restarting where we left off.)

"They are in that order for a reason" I have been told, so hopefully, by the race of 'whatever' it will all work out in the end.

Good Day/Bad Day

Ok, on one front good day: for a start pleasant. Spent much of it outdoors, had a BBQ with friends (for all my faults, there is one thing I do well - cook).

Also, finally got round to sorting out finances, or at least one half of the problem.

And, I didn't have a drink.

Equally, another front not good day: didn't do meeting 2 on day 2 (of 90 meetings in 90 days).

So I am now going to have to try and fit in 2 tomorrow. Amongst a lot of other things I have planned (support meeting, see family (& dinner), plus there is a world cup going on people.

Hmmm, 3 on Saturday!?

Day 3

Wow - success, I made it to AA. A very nice local meeting in the Allen Centre, if you live locally, and ever consider going to a meeting — this one is highly recommended.

So I nearly didn't go. Managed to do the 'better just do this 1st' thing, and then was late, then drove around the block a bit — thinking of excuses why I should just go home instead. Nevertheless, I made it through the door. And even opened my mouth. Big gold star for me then.

It really is difficult to put into words how difficult I found it to go back. In part my confidence and assuredness previously, in part that each time I relapse seems harder to explain, or justify, to myself, and partly just the shame of drinking, and knowing I should know better.

There were 3 groups I was regularly going to - Saturdays, Mondays, and tonight's - and each will be just as difficult. However one thing I do have to remember is "Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints."

Which happily was being read out just as I walked in!

AA

So, its Day 2 (although by the time I am now writing this is it 7 minutes into day 3, but what the hell - I won't tell anyone if you won't). Felt shitty when I woke up this morning. I dropped off around 10 am, and woke up 5 hours later.

I was supposed to go to an AA meeting today. My first this time round. I find it's really important to get to a meeting. I feel I should, if only to cement the agreement mentally. The 1st day I felt a little to rough - and let myself of - but I should have gone today.

But the local one is in a mental hospital, Mill View, and I had been once before, felt really uneasy and just left.

I know I need to, as I havent been for a month or so - and during that time have slipped in and out of drinking. The difference with other times when I have stopped, for longer, is meetings. By going I am saying 'enough is enough', and also I do genuinely get the support, care, and encouragement that I cannot do this without.

So I will go tomorrow (or rather today).

Promise.