Friday, 18 June 2010

Good Day/Bad Day II: The Return

Ok so pretty much the same again, very pleasant — saw my parents, played golf, even watch a dreadful football and still resisted the urge to drink! But not very constructive. So the 3rd day of 90in90, and still only 1 meeting. Guess I shall be doing 2 a day for a while then.

Been feeling very irritable this evening. It was ok earlier, but my housemates are really pissing me off at the moment — I shoved headphones in to watch the match earlier as just hearing the inane comments* was driving me potty.

Well there are positives. But I am aware of stagnating. In the past I have either been moving forwards or backwards, but never stood still.

* I am sure they weren't even, it's my stuff not theirs.

Good Day/Bad Day

Ok, on one front good day: for a start pleasant. Spent much of it outdoors, had a BBQ with friends (for all my faults, there is one thing I do well - cook).

Also, finally got round to sorting out finances, or at least one half of the problem.

And, I didn't have a drink.

Equally, another front not good day: didn't do meeting 2 on day 2 (of 90 meetings in 90 days).

So I am now going to have to try and fit in 2 tomorrow. Amongst a lot of other things I have planned (support meeting, see family (& dinner), plus there is a world cup going on people.

Hmmm, 3 on Saturday!?

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Day 3

Wow - success, I made it to AA. A very nice local meeting in the Allen Centre, if you live locally, and ever consider going to a meeting — this one is highly recommended.

So I nearly didn't go. Managed to do the 'better just do this 1st' thing, and then was late, then drove around the block a bit — thinking of excuses why I should just go home instead. Nevertheless, I made it through the door. And even opened my mouth. Big gold star for me then.

It really is difficult to put into words how difficult I found it to go back. In part my confidence and assuredness previously, in part that each time I relapse seems harder to explain, or justify, to myself, and partly just the shame of drinking, and knowing I should know better.

There were 3 groups I was regularly going to - Saturdays, Mondays, and tonight's - and each will be just as difficult. However one thing I do have to remember is "Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints."

Which happily was being read out just as I walked in!


So, its Day 2 (although by the time I am now writing this is it 7 minutes into day 3, but what the hell - I won't tell anyone if you won't). Felt shitty when I woke up this morning. I dropped off around 10 am, and woke up 5 hours later.

I was supposed to go to an AA meeting today. My first this time round. I find it's really important to get to a meeting. I feel I should, if only to cement the agreement mentally. The 1st day I felt a little to rough - and let myself of - but I should have gone today.

But the local one is in a mental hospital, Mill View, and I had been once before, felt really uneasy and just left.

I know I need to, as I havent been for a month or so - and during that time have slipped in and out of drinking. The difference with other times when I have stopped, for longer, is meetings. By going I am saying 'enough is enough', and also I do genuinely get the support, care, and encouragement that I cannot do this without.

So I will go tomorrow (or rather today).


Monday, 14 June 2010

Oh yeah...

So having done my (in my head at least) ever so clever sounding intro, I thought I should actually explain how I feel.

Like shit.

In a nutshell that pretty much sums it up.

Ok, so firstly - I had my fill of beer last night: so my head hurts. My body wants it fill of beer now: so it hurts.

Not only that (and perhaps more importantly) all the niggling doubts and fears, worries and responsibilities which I have so far ignored are looming in the back of my head - all voices which I would much rather drown out with vast amount of ethanol.

A responsibility left untended becomes a problem.

Ok, so my personal finances - my unfettered pursuit of drink tends to lend itself to the poor maintenance of my personal finances. Which in other words means the cheques are about to bounce. I received a letter from the council about unpaid fines, a letter from my bank about unpaid bills, and a letter from a debt agency about unpaid fees. Not good.

Friendships (and indeed relationships) have been equally poorly maintained. Wow, that's an epic understatement. You probably know more for what I have written so far than my friends do of where and how I have been recently.

And lastly, this is the 1st time I have been here. Picking myself up and starting again, and therefore not the 1st time I have said "I'm not going back 'there' again". So it feels pretty shit, whether its to an old friend a room of strangers, having to go in and say "this went wrong, this is what I am going to do this time" and "it will work", (especially when I am struggling to believe it myself).

It kinda sucks having to hold my hands up and say - I fucked up, again. (But it won't happen again!)

Day 1

I woke up this morning feeling like shit, and thought I ought to do something about it. Mind you this isn't the fist time I have woke up feeling like shit, and thought I ought to do something about it.

So what shall I do differently this time? What do I need to do differently this time?

The first time, I thought I was cured (bye-bye alcohol, so long fair well), the next time cleverer (ok, so maybe AA is a good idea) the last time cracked it (sponsor - check, meeting - check, steps - check).

Yet here I am: Day 1.