Over the last few years I have been in and out of the rooms, once staying dry for a year but for the most part weeks months or perhaps days at time.
On of the things that has always puzzled me about this is the determination with which I stop and yet the ease with which I pick up. There hasn't been much 'white knuckling' or deliberation. While I have wanted to not drink I have found it easy, and when I have decided to drink it has been a whim, I just think why not and do. Normally it has been around 11 or 12 at night, and I think 'hell, why not?'
Two days ago, Friday night, I had such an urge - and the normal thought process began - why not, on the way home, pick up a few beers, it doesn't matter, and so on...
But I didn't. For the first time in recovery I didn't. I mulled it over, thought of the consequences, of what I have been building and decided not to.
This may not seem much, but for me it was a really profound moment. For the first time it wasn't just not wanting to drink, it was deciding not to even though I wanted to.
Showing posts with label Epiphany. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Epiphany. Show all posts
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
An update
Today has been pretty bizarre so far. But before I get to that...
The last few days have been good. I have returned from London and had a few very pleasant and (from the point of view of not drinking) easy days.
I was at a meeting the other day (last Wednesday) and just before, while smoking outside, a lady explained how she'd had a drink, and hated it, and was coming to her 1st meeting since to get back on track. Something occurred to me then, and it might sound obvious but it was a real epiphany. I have been struggling with the fact that I have relapsed, over the last few months, so often: stopping and starting every few days. Each time with a new resolve, yet equally tempted back so easily.
(To try and put this in perspective: I hate drinking, or at least where it leads me, and when I try to stop I desperately want to so much. Yet I repeatedly, despite this, pick up a drink at the drop of a hat - with no internal struggle.)
Frankly, I still want to drink. I like a lot about it. Lets face it drinking is popular for a reason. It does things to people which people like. It gave me confidence, helped me let my hair down, it made me feel good, relaxed and (to a degree) to forget about my worries.
When I have been drinking, a relapse, I get to the point when I desperately want to stop, so when I do it is relatively easy: the cost clearly out weigh the benefits. Yet give it a few weeks, then there will come a point where I am back to wanting the relaxation, the confidence, the toning down of feelings.
I realised that, basically, rather than hoping that some sort of permanent state of not wanting to drink will somehow kick-in, I just have to accept that there will be desire to drink. I just have to live with it.
Oh, and I nearly forgot: why today has been bizarre. This morning I spoke to a friend. She is a devout, and somewhat evangelical christian, who I prayed with. In AA people talk a lot about passing one's will over to a 'higher power', and also the benefits of prayer (there is a humility in this, in asking for help). Well anyway, we prayed.
And somehow it was a really special moment. In so many ways. It was a difficult thing to bring myself to do, but I put my pride aside and with humility got on my knees.
And I can thank my higher power that there was someone will to do that for me.
The last few days have been good. I have returned from London and had a few very pleasant and (from the point of view of not drinking) easy days.
I was at a meeting the other day (last Wednesday) and just before, while smoking outside, a lady explained how she'd had a drink, and hated it, and was coming to her 1st meeting since to get back on track. Something occurred to me then, and it might sound obvious but it was a real epiphany. I have been struggling with the fact that I have relapsed, over the last few months, so often: stopping and starting every few days. Each time with a new resolve, yet equally tempted back so easily.
(To try and put this in perspective: I hate drinking, or at least where it leads me, and when I try to stop I desperately want to so much. Yet I repeatedly, despite this, pick up a drink at the drop of a hat - with no internal struggle.)
Frankly, I still want to drink. I like a lot about it. Lets face it drinking is popular for a reason. It does things to people which people like. It gave me confidence, helped me let my hair down, it made me feel good, relaxed and (to a degree) to forget about my worries.
When I have been drinking, a relapse, I get to the point when I desperately want to stop, so when I do it is relatively easy: the cost clearly out weigh the benefits. Yet give it a few weeks, then there will come a point where I am back to wanting the relaxation, the confidence, the toning down of feelings.
I realised that, basically, rather than hoping that some sort of permanent state of not wanting to drink will somehow kick-in, I just have to accept that there will be desire to drink. I just have to live with it.
Oh, and I nearly forgot: why today has been bizarre. This morning I spoke to a friend. She is a devout, and somewhat evangelical christian, who I prayed with. In AA people talk a lot about passing one's will over to a 'higher power', and also the benefits of prayer (there is a humility in this, in asking for help). Well anyway, we prayed.
And somehow it was a really special moment. In so many ways. It was a difficult thing to bring myself to do, but I put my pride aside and with humility got on my knees.
And I can thank my higher power that there was someone will to do that for me.
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