Sunday, 1 August 2010

(Don't) Do the Hockey Cockey!

Over the last few years I have been in and out of the rooms, once staying dry for a year but for the most part weeks months or perhaps days at time.

On of the things that has always puzzled me about this is the determination with which I stop and yet the ease with which I pick up. There hasn't been much 'white knuckling' or deliberation. While I have wanted to not drink I have found it easy, and when I have decided to drink it has been a whim, I just think why not and do. Normally it has been around 11 or 12 at night, and I think 'hell, why not?'

Two days ago, Friday night, I had such an urge - and the normal thought process began - why not, on the way home, pick up a few beers, it doesn't matter, and so on...

But I didn't. For the first time in recovery I didn't. I mulled it over, thought of the consequences, of what I have been building and decided not to.

This may not seem much, but for me it was a really profound moment. For the first time it wasn't just not wanting to drink, it was deciding not to even though I wanted to.


  1. "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." Big Book,page 30

    Sounds like you are on your way to a new beginning. Congrats on a job well done!

  2. I am 11 yrs sober as of June 11. I so enjoy my sobriety. I no longer think of alcohol. Strange.

    I do remember having that same conversation with myself as you did. I talked myself out of drinking instead of talking myself into drinking. That's when I knew recovery was possible for me. i eremember being very proud of myself as well as excited.

  3. "For the first time in recovery, I didn't"
    Awesome to see that progress. Thanks for sharing this.

    I wanted to let you know the Steppers'Wisdom Blog Carnival is up.

  4. I am cheering for you. The decision as opposed to the desire is a very important insight. That is how married people stay faithful ( Base your actions on the decision not the desire.)

    I once had a very toxic boyfriend that I was in love with when we broke up. I actually wrote down a list of all they ways he was bad for me and carried it around. I had to look at it a lot to keep from going back to him. There were about 100 reasons on that list and I remember that I usually had to get past the 20th item before the desire would go away. That is why I think what you said about a decision is profound!

    There are three drugs that I know of that can reduce cravings for alcohol. None of them make you high in any way. They are compral, revia and topomax. Also there is the old standby antabuse. Only antabuse makes you throw up if you use. The others just reduce cravings.

    Good luck to you and thanks for reading my blog.

  5. It sounds as if you reached a mental milestone. That is awesome to make a decision and be willing to take the action steps necessary to stay sober. Pick up the phone and call a sponsor if the cravings come up. A good sponsor is worth so much.

  6. I loved this, what a great thing to read at the end of my day. Keep it up, if you can do it once, you can do it always. (but always can sound scary, so one day at a time)