What is pride? Or more importantly for me, what is pride to someone in recovery?
'Pride' is something I have always thought of as a good thing: taking pride in something I've done, and so on. Yet pride, in this stage of my life, is now deemed a negative thing, and I can see why.
It is pride that stops me asking for help, it is pride that stops me admitting when I am struggling, and it is pride that hinders my return to the rooms after a relapse.
Over the last few months I have had cause to contemplate why I have kept ending up in the same place: drinking once again.
Its not for lack of knowing better. When I very 1st came into recovery I spent a year in rehab, and I have now spent months and months attending meetings - I have knowledge, I am self aware, of both my behaviours and their consequences, in short I know right for wrong.
I was talking to a friend last night, explaining as best I could the recent pattern (revolving door). When I said I wasn't good at being open and talking about my problems she disagreed. Then and there it occurred to me, I can in hindsight very happily exclaim how I felt why I did what I did, but at the time is when I struggle: I hate to admit I am finding things difficult, that I am struggling, or that I need help.
And that is where my pride has fine from being a good thing to a bad thing. We all need help from time to time, I would be there for someone if they put their hand out to me:I just need to learn to put my own outonce in a while.
This is a very self aware blog, I had to deal with my ego and pride the first couple of years in recovery (of course still do)but with my higher power and spiritual fitness this part has gotten better, I can pick up the 7000lbs phone and call people and ask for help and say what is going on...this helps...so glad you're here can't wait to read more!!!
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The whole reaching out and asking for help thing was hardest for me, although I admit to my suprise my recovering husband seemed to do it seemlessly.
ReplyDeleteI think for those that have difficulty asking for help, practice is what makse it easier. Each time you do it the next time is a little easier.
best to you.
The key for my recovery was learning how to open up and share. Honesty.
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ReplyDeleteI saw that you had stopped by my blog so I thought I would pay you a visit. If you are like me then its a good thing you are doing, going to meetings that is. I found the meetings to be vitally important in my recovery and still do. After a while I started to be able to speak a little at meetings, mainly gibberish I kknow, but it got me in the habit of speaking and more importantly it got people talking to me. I hope you keep at it and I hope you receive what I have, a happy life no matter what happens. I'll stop by again if you dont mind. Nice to meet you.
Gabriella: Thank you. I guess it I am a bit self-aware, I have been in recovery for a little while now (a bit over three years), the 1st year of which was in rehab where I got to learn a lot about myself. It is just putting knowledge into action I seem to be struggling with!!!
ReplyDeleteWait What?: Nice to hear from you. Yes, it is getting easier! Especially since getting/working with a sponsor... All the best to you too.
ReplyDeleteVJ: I think that is sooooo true. (It was like a mantra where I went to rehab). I can do this happily after the event - bit more difficult for me in the moment, but I am trying and getting better!
ReplyDeleteFindon: Definitely very important for me to keep going to meetings - and moreover opening my mouth! The last time through the doors, I made a commitment to open my mouth at every meeting I went to, and this time to go and listen. I think it is time to start opening my mouth again! And yes, it would be lovely to see you again...
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