What is pride? Or more importantly for me, what is pride to someone in recovery?
'Pride' is something I have always thought of as a good thing: taking pride in something I've done, and so on. Yet pride, in this stage of my life, is now deemed a negative thing, and I can see why.
It is pride that stops me asking for help, it is pride that stops me admitting when I am struggling, and it is pride that hinders my return to the rooms after a relapse.
Over the last few months I have had cause to contemplate why I have kept ending up in the same place: drinking once again.
Its not for lack of knowing better. When I very 1st came into recovery I spent a year in rehab, and I have now spent months and months attending meetings - I have knowledge, I am self aware, of both my behaviours and their consequences, in short I know right for wrong.
I was talking to a friend last night, explaining as best I could the recent pattern (revolving door). When I said I wasn't good at being open and talking about my problems she disagreed. Then and there it occurred to me, I can in hindsight very happily exclaim how I felt why I did what I did, but at the time is when I struggle: I hate to admit I am finding things difficult, that I am struggling, or that I need help.
And that is where my pride has fine from being a good thing to a bad thing. We all need help from time to time, I would be there for someone if they put their hand out to me:I just need to learn to put my own outonce in a while.